Speak Up Now
More women are following the example of those courageous women who have been willing to speak up about abuse they experienced in the workplace, knowing the consequences they may suffer as a result. I applaud their bravery to publicly disclose uncomfortable details of the abuse so this doesn’t happen to other women.
An abuser will deny, deflect, blame, minimize, gaslight, attack, and/or retaliate.
Typically, the offender denies the abuse happened, blames and shames the victim, discounts the abuse, makes excuses for their own behavior, and/or retaliates. He claims the victim is lying or she misinterpreted or misremembered what happened. Deflecting attention, denying obvious facts, gaslighting, and attacking and maligning his victim are strategies that tend to be the pattern with a narcissist, especially someone in power. Do not be surprised when an abuser refuses to accept responsibility or acknowledge the truth in the face of overwhelming evidence against him. The abuser believes that the truth is irrelevant or that he has the power to excuse all of his inexcusable actions, regardless of the damage he inflicts on others. He believes that he will be successful if he digs in his heels and stubbornly maintains his innocence. Do not expect remorse. He attacks his victim to take the spotlight off himself and shift it elsewhere. Claims that the victim is lying, failure to take responsibility for his behavior, or minimization of the abuse are strategies frequently used by abusers. This behavior has been documented in many thousands of cases by domestic violence treatment providers and is supported by research.[i] Frequently these strategies have been effective for the abuser in politics, who is rewarded by being allowed to remain in power. This is unacceptable regardless of political affiliation. Women feel pressured to stay with their abusive spouses by cultural norms and religious beliefs, fear of retaliation, economic circumstances, or family loyalties. We need to fight for those who have been victimized and make sure that vile behavior--whether at home or in the workplace-- stops now.
Stay safe. Take appropriate action.
In both workplace and domestic abuse, it may be very unsafe to speak up against the abuser. Take steps that protect your safety and document the abuse. Keep those records and pictures hidden in a safe place where they won’t disappear. Leave your abuser safely as soon as possible. You cannot control his behavior, but you can control how you decide to react to it. This may mean asking your company’s human resource department for a transfer, filing a complaint if you feel safe doing so, finding a new job, or going to a safe house with your children. You cannot begin to heal until you are no longer being subjected to abuse of any kind.
False reporting in cases of sexual violence is very low. There was a 5.9 percent rate of false reports in a study of sexual assault cases in Boston, MA from 1998-2007.[ii] Unfortunately, many sexual assaults are never reported. It is also true that cases of false accusations of domestic abuse during a divorce proceeding are statistically rare. They are not more common in divorce or custody disputes than at other times.[iii] A much greater problem is the failure of victims to report abuse. There is a myriad of reasons for this, which may include fear of not being believed, shame, trauma, stigma, fear of retaliation by her abuser, fear of job or even career loss, fear of losing her children, or complete financial dependence on her abuser.
You deserve compassion.
It is counterproductive for you to judge yourself if you have tolerated abuse in the past. If you are safely able to bring workplace abuse you may have suffered in the past to light now, you may want to consider doing so to help other women avoid the same fate. There probably will be repercussions and you should be aware of what they are before moving forward. If you don’t feel comfortable or safe disclosing that you were abused, get therapy to cope with your traumatic experience and to heal. You deserve compassion, support, and understanding.
In the case of domestic abuse, there are numerous reasons why many women stay in bad relationships. You are not alone in this. The important thing is to take steps to change your life right now. Decide to end your abusive relationship if your partner is unwilling to change or go to counseling, even if you are not in a position to leave him right now. For your own safety, steer clear of confrontations that may further agitate your abuser. Ignore their criticisms, irritations, and insults. It is more important to avoid escalating a dangerous situation than to take part in unproductive arguments.
Prepare and plan a safe exit. Your life can change for the better. It is up to you.
[i] violencefreecolorado.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/CCADV-CCASA-Fact-Sheet-on-Myth-of-false-Allegations_updated-2.21.14.pdf
[ii] Lisak, D., Gardinier, L., Nicksa, S.C., A.M. (2010). False Allegations of Sexual Assault: An Analysis of Ten Years of Reported Cases. Violence Against Women, 1335.
[iii] Brown, Federico, Hewitt & Sheehan, “Revealing the Existence of Child Abuse in the Context of Marital Breakdown and Custody and Access Disputes,” 24(6) Child Abuse & Neglect 849-85 (2000)
For more information, insight, and actionable guidance on how to navigate, recover, and heal from an abusive divorce, our award-winning self-help book, Breaking Bonds: How To Divorce an Abuser & Heal provides you with the knowledge to leave your abuser safely and strategically. We are with you.
Rosemary Lombardy is a financial advisor with over 35 years of experience, and the founder of Breaking Bonds, a comprehensive resource platform for abused women. Although her professional expertise is in financial matters, her perspective on marital abuse, divorce, and recovery is deeply heartfelt and holistic. She draws on decades of personal experience, as well as the experiences of others, to help inform abused spouses so that they will become empowered to leave their abusers and begin to heal.
Rosemary Lombardy's award-winning new book, Breaking Bonds: How to Divorce an Abuser and Heal - A Survival Guide is available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and anywhere that sells books.
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