Hypercriticism and the Abused Woman

Violence is not just physical; it can take the form of constant verbal attacks on you that erode your self- esteem, instill fear in you, or compromise your well-being. Hypercriticism is one of many tools in your abuser’s toolbox to dominate and control you. He puts your flaws under a microscope, frequently shows his disapproval, judges you harshly, corrects you and criticizes you constantly, blames you, or tries to “fix” you. He is ungrateful and nitpicky. He may call you names, humiliate you, or demand perfection. The frequent putdowns may be blatantly obvious or he may barrage you with insidious and subtle sarcasm. He may express his dissatisfaction by a raised eyebrow or eyerolling. He may do this deliberately in front of your children to humiliate you, while ignoring your pleas for him to save his criticisms for you to deal with together in private. He may flatly deny that he’s doing it; or tell you that you deserve or need it and he is only being constructive. Frequently, your abuser is intolerant when you try to address your own needs or wishes with him, and he will deflect attention from his own faults to criticism of you to change the topic and regain control. You do not have to be perfect to not deserve to be abused.

You begin to doubt yourself and question your own judgment. Anxiety and depression as well as physical illness due to unexpressed anger and resentment may occur. Over time, this constant brainwashing can make your world incredibly smaller, as you no longer even attempt to try new things because your partner has done everything possible to make you feel incompetent and unworthy of happiness. You may feel hopeless and believe that you are stuck and that nothing can be done to change your life for the better. Even worse, you may believe that this misery is what you deserve. This result is called learned helplessness, a common consequence of prolonged abuse. Remember that someone taught you to feel helpless and to doubt yourself. You were not born that way and you are not as helpless as you may feel right now. 

Your partner, if he is a narcissist, feels no compassion for the pain that he inflicts on you. He blames you for everything that goes wrong, even for his moods. In fact, you cannot do anything right in his world no matter how hard you try. He is far from perfect himself and is incapable of self-examination or remorse. It is distressing and disappointing to be subjected to that kind of behavior by a loved one, but that is just the way it is with abusers. His behavior has nothing to do with you at all. This is about him and his brokenness. It is not personal, but you will still have to deal with it.

  Let go of self-judgment. Many women stay in a bad situation for too long for a myriad of reasons. You are not alone in this. The important thing is that you can take steps to change your life right now. Make a decision to end an abusive relationship if your partner is unwilling to change or go to counseling, even if you feel right now that you are not in a position to leave. Prepare and plan a safe exit.

Master potters from Japan intentionally mark well-made pieces of pottery to give them a flaw, so that they will be beautiful, not perfect. Wabi-sabi is the name for this aesthetic or worldview, which comes from the Buddhist philosophy of imperfection, impermanence, and incompletion. Being human means being imperfect and our uniqueness makes each of us beautiful and precious.

                   Have compassion for yourself.

Schedule a Zoom call or an appointment with a therapist or psychologist as soon as you can for counseling. You will need to work on self-esteem issues if you are married to an abuser, as their toxic behavior has eroded your sense of self-worth over a long period of time. If you can’t afford to pay for a therapist, free counselors may be available. You can find a lot of free resources for divorce, abuse, and depression counseling in the Breaking Bonds Resources Section. You may also need help with healing from trauma bonding or co-dependency.  Therapy is extremely helpful--but make a change either in the method you are using or in your therapist if you get stuck for an extended period.

 Practice Self-Care. You can’t take care of anyone else if you don’t take care of yourself. Eat sensibly, stay hydrated, and get plenty of rest. Exercise regularly. If your abuser tries to make you feel guilty for taking time for yourself, it is important for you to ignore him. Reading positive books, whether to do with faith or spirituality, as well as saying affirmations, prayer, and trying just to live centered in the present are effective tools if you try to practice them every day. Go for a walk, spend time with your children, take a bubble bath, and read good books. 

Your needs are as important as anyone else’s.

For your own safety, steer clear of confrontations that may further agitate your abuser. Ignore their criticisms, irritations, and insults. It is more important to avoid escalating a dangerous situation than to take part in unproductive arguments. Spend as little time as you can in the same room with your abuser, as difficult as that is under stay-at-home requirements. While you are in the same room, speak infrequently and calmly. Disengage from him emotionally to minimize the potential for further trauma. Become noncommittal, uninteresting, and unresponsive while you plan and prepare for your exit strategy. If you have to disagree, say, “I am sorry you feel that way” or “It is understandable that you think that.” Don’t elaborate further. You don’t have to say everything that you think. It is not prudent to confide in a dangerous person. Your abuser will eventually lose interest and become bored if you don’t take the bait.  Avoid having alcohol or controlled substances in the home. They decrease inhibitions and may cause you to be incautious or your partner to become physically abusive. 

 Value your own life.

 Plan to take action to change your circumstances. It is highly unlikely that your husband is going to change and that the only way that you are ever going to have a life of your own or a chance at happiness is for you to take action to change your circumstances. Unless your husband is willing to admit that he has mistreated you and go to counseling to help him change, you will have no other choice but to leave him.  Whether or not you have anyone else to confide in, know that you matter and that your actions matter. You are important and your feelings are important, too, so don’t listen to your partner if they try to make you believe otherwise. Take responsibility for your choices going forward. When it is a safe time to go, go and don’t look back. Your life can change for the better.                      

You deserve to be happy.

 For more information, insight, and actionable guidance on how to navigate, recover, and heal from an abusive divorce, our award-winning self-help book, Breaking Bonds: How To Divorce an Abuser & Heal provides you with the knowledge to leave your abuser safely and strategically. We are with you.

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Rosemary Lombardy is a financial advisor with over 35 years of experience, and the founder of Breaking Bonds, a comprehensive resource platform for abused women. Although her professional expertise is in financial matters, her perspective on marital abuse, divorce, and recovery is deeply heartfelt and holistic. She draws on decades of personal experience, as well as the experiences of others, to help inform abused spouses so that they will become empowered to leave their abusers and begin to heal. 

Rosemary Lombardy's award-winning new book, Breaking Bonds: How to Divorce an Abuser and Heal - A Survival Guide is available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and anywhere that sells books. 

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