Independence Day: A Message of Hope for Abused Women
We commemorate the adoption of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, a national holiday, by celebrating our patriotism with barbeques, parades, family get-togethers, and fireworks. It is challenging, if possible at all, to celebrate our freedom if you feel trapped and not in control of your own life. You are not alone if you are isolated, afraid and depressed, your situation seems hopeless, things don’t ever seem to change, and you believe that you don’t deserve to be happy, anyway. Many abused women have some or all of these negative feelings and beliefs until after they get out of a toxic relationship. You will be better able to change them when you are not being abused anymore. You can take steps to change your situation and your outlook on life, even if they are small steps at first.
If you don’t believe that you can, make yourself take a step anyway and don’t believe everything that you think. One step in the right direction leads to another one.
You may have been brainwashed by your abuser into believing that things can’t possibly change or that you are not capable of making them change. Or he convinces you that you don’t deserve to be treated decently. This is called learned helplessness, which is a common consequence of abuse; remember that someone taught you to feel helpless and to doubt yourself. You were not born that way and you are not as helpless as you may feel right now.
Remember that you are a survivor if you have gotten this far. You deserve to have a happy and fulfilling life; we all do. The founding fathers of the United States included “Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness” as unalienable rights in the Declaration of Independence because they are rights that cannot be taken away or denied-- by anyone. These rights are God given and apply to each and every one of us. They also declared that all of us are created equal. Your partner’s needs, desires, and happiness are not more important than yours, no matter what he tells you. Anyone who tells you that you are being selfish for pursuing your own happiness is trying to control you for his or her own agenda. As long as you are fulfilling your obligations and are not hurting anybody else, you have every right to be happy. Staying in an abusive relationship is not healthy for children, so that is not reason enough to stay. You can get out safely if you prepare wisely and carefully, educate yourself, and take advantage of available resources.
You can change your life. In fact, you are the only one who can. I believe that you can. I believe in you.
First Steps to Regaining Your Freedom
Stop feeling numb. Honor all of your emotions, whether they are of sadness, despair, grief, regret, or anger-- with the exception of shame. There is a big difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is remorse for a crime, wrongdoing, or an action that harms another person. Someone who feels guilt still believes that they are a good person, but that they have done something wrong and need to make amends. Guilt can motivate positive change. You may feel unwarranted guilt from having been blamed for things for which you are not responsible. Shame, which is unhealthy, makes you see yourself as bad or a deeply flawed and unworthy person; it erodes your self-esteem. Abuse victims are likely to feel shame because their abusers use it as a tool to exert control over them in the relationship. You will need counseling to cope with and examine your emotions so that they don’t keep you chained to your abuser. Therapy may be available free or at a reduced rate in your area. Please see the our resources hub for free support.
Use anger as a tool. Anger can help lift you out of your despair and sense of helplessness. I am not advocating a confrontation with your partner, as that may be dangerous. Anger as an emotion is the way your body informs you that something is very wrong and needs to change. Decide how you are going to respond, not react, and when, or if it is appropriate or safe for you to respond at all. Stop blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong. Allow yourself to feel angry instead of internalizing your anger, which morphs into depression. Anger can lift you from the lower emotion of despair, motivate you to think about how you can take steps to change an intolerable situation, and propel you to safely take actions to change your circumstances at the right time.
Allow yourself to feel your feelings without marinating in them. Be strong when you need to be, and allow yourself time to feel.
Make self-care a priority. Consider taking a daily bubble bath where you can lock the door and be by yourself for at least twenty minutes. Use that time to cry and release your feelings. Use it to pray if you are moved to do so. You need this time to be able to compartmentalize your emotions and function effectively on a daily basis. If you get angry, go into the garage and allow yourself to yell in the car, with the windows rolled up tight and the music turned up loud, if it is safe to do so. Kick a ball really hard in the yard or punch a pillow to release the anger from your body. You may have a job or children and you cannot allow yourself to be sad, depressed, or angry all of the time. So be strong when you need to be, and allow yourself a limited amount of time in the evening when you don’t have to be strong. Give yourself permission to release pent up emotions from your body in a safe way.
You are no good to anyone else if you are completely worn out. Treat your daily bath, or any other designated personal time, as sacred space. Be sure to get enough sleep, exercise, and eat well. Practice self-care even if you are not up to it or feel like you deserve it.
Give yourself permission to take care of yourself. You do not need permission to do so from anyone else.
Let go of self-judgment. Many women stay in a bad situation for too long for a myriad of reasons. You are not alone in this. The important thing is that you can take steps to change your life right now. Make a decision to end an abusive relationship if your partner is unwilling to change or go to counseling, even if you feel right now that you are not in a position to leave. Prepare and plan a safe exit.
Take action to change your circumstances. I realized that my husband was not going to change and that the only way that I was ever going to have a life of my own or a chance at happiness was for me to take action to change my circumstances. Whether or not you have anyone else to confide in, know that you matter and that your actions matter. You are important and your feelings are important, too, so don’t listen to your partner if they try to make you believe otherwise. When it is a safe time to go, make your own declaration of independence. Your life can change for the better. You deserve to be happy.
“It is by choice and not by chances that we change our circumstances.”
—Nadia Sahari
For more information, insight, and actionable guidance on how to navigate, recover, and heal from an abusive divorce, our award-winning self-help book, Breaking Bonds: How To Divorce an Abuser & Heal provides you with the knowledge to leave your abuser safely and strategically. We are with you.
Rosemary Lombardy is a financial advisor with over 35 years of experience, and the founder of Breaking Bonds, a comprehensive resource platform for abused women. Although her professional expertise is in financial matters, her perspective on marital abuse, divorce, and recovery is deeply heartfelt and holistic. She draws on decades of personal experience, as well as the experiences of others, to help inform abused spouses so that they will become empowered to leave their abusers and begin to heal.
Rosemary Lombardy's award-winning new book, Breaking Bonds: How to Divorce an Abuser and Heal - A Survival Guide is available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and anywhere that sells books.
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