How to Maintain Your Mental Health During An Abusive Divorce
Many victims of domestic abuse develop mental health issues as a result of the stress and trauma they are experiencing. They are at higher risk of developing eating disorders, chronic anxiety and depression, gynecological problems, and other physical and emotional problems, as well as drug and alcohol addiction. If you are being abused, whether physically or verbally, your body and mind are in distress. Prolonged exposure to fear and violence is linked to a weakened immune response, premature aging, and learned helplessness, a state of mind in which you think that everything is so dire that there is nothing you can do but give up and remain a victim, feeling trapped and hopeless. Symptoms of chronic domestic abuse include fatigue, sleeplessness, nightmares, anxiety, jumpiness, isolation, and depression.
Here are helpful, therapeutic ways to improve your mental health and well-being before, during, and after a highly stressful and traumatic divorce. We are with you.
Steer clear of confrontations that may further agitate your abuser for your own safety if you are still living together. Ignore their criticisms, irritations, and insults. It is more important to avoid escalating a dangerous situation than to take part in unproductive arguments. Do your best to accommodate your abuser and disengage emotionally to minimize the potential for further trauma. Become noncommittal, uninteresting, and unresponsive while you plan and prepare for your exit strategy. Avoid having alcohol or controlled substances in the home. They decrease inhibitions and may cause you to be incautious or your partner to become physically abusive.
See a therapist or psychologist as soon as possible for counseling. You will need to work on self-esteem issues if you are married to an abuser, as their toxic behavior has eroded your sense of self-worth over a long period of time. You may also need help with healing from trauma bonding or co-dependency. Therapy is extremely helpful, but make a change either in the method you are using or in your therapist if you get stuck for an extended period of time. Cognitive therapy helped me deal with difficult issues. Reading positive books, whether to do with faith or spirituality, as well as saying affirmations, and trying just to live centered in the present were tools I tried to practice every day. When I did, they were very effective.
If you can’t afford to pay for a therapist, free counseling may be available in your area. You can find a curated collection of free resources here.
Consult a psychiatrist if you suffer from depression or prolonged sleeplessness. Ask about the side effects of any medication that is prescribed to you before taking it, and follow the instructions your doctor gives you. If you experience side effects, call the doctor immediately to discuss it. If he or she is unresponsive to your concerns, change your doctor right away. Always listen to your body and respect its messages to you.
Avoid drinking alcohol if you are taking an antidepressant or sleep medication. It is advisable to abstain from or at least limit alcohol anyhow, as it is a depressant. Where possible, try natural ways to reduce stress instead. Take frequent breaks to rest, meditate, go for walks in nature, breathe deeply into your abdomen at least 4 or 5 times daily, pray, use positive affirmations, watch a funny show, call a good friend, or spend time with a pet. Stop multi-tasking, which raises your stress levels. Focus your attention on the present moment when you find yourself ruminating about the past or worrying about the future. Take a bubble bath with soothing lavender.
Music has healing properties and improves mood, which affects the capacity for memory. Try to listen to uplifting music as often as you can. Avoid listening to music that saddens you or that is loud and aggressive, which could cause your body to release stress chemicals. If you hear a song that contains lyrics that degrade or objectify women on the radio, change the station or turn it off.
Massage therapy will help you to relax and reconnect with your body. The caring touch of another person is healing. Research suggests that massage reduces high blood pressure and may boost immunity, as several studies have found there are dramatic decreases in the stress hormone cortisol after massage sessions. Massage may help you to avoid getting a cold or other illness while you are under prolonged stress. It creates chemical changes that reduce pain and stress throughout the body by reducing the brain chemical substance P that is related to pain. Try to get weekly massages, but even every other week would do you a lot of good. Being touched and treated with care regularly by someone who is safe is therapeutic.
After the divorce, you will need professional help to treat your symptoms if they have developed into post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). If you suffer from PTSD, it may be extremely difficult to cope with traumatic events that you are still reliving in your mind, with all the corresponding emotions, as if they just happened. It may be necessary to treat the trauma with emotional freedom technique (EFT), eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), neurofeedback, or some other method to discharge the trauma and release these stuck emotions. Be patient, as it may take several sessions or more to allow you to heal. After treatment, you may then be able to calmly remember an incident with detachment. For a fuller explanation of these techniques, ask your therapist if they are trained to treat trauma. If not, ask them for a referral.
Be gentle with yourself. Try to minimize your exposure to additional stress. Healing may require considerable time and effort on your part. You are worth it. You deserve to be happy.
For more information, insight, and actionable guidance on how to navigate, recover, and heal from an abusive divorce, our award-winning self-help book, Breaking Bonds: How To Divorce an Abuser & Heal provides you with the knowledge to leave your abuser safely and strategically. We are with you.
Rosemary Lombardy is a financial advisor with over 35 years of experience, and the founder of Breaking Bonds, a comprehensive resource platform for abused women. Although her professional expertise is in financial matters, her perspective on marital abuse, divorce, and recovery is deeply heartfelt and holistic. She draws on decades of personal experience, as well as the experiences of others, to help inform abused spouses so that they will become empowered to leave their abusers and begin to heal.
Rosemary Lombardy's award-winning new book, Breaking Bonds: How to Divorce an Abuser and Heal - A Survival Guide is available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and anywhere that sells books.
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