What To Do When a Marriage Turns Violent: A Safety and Survival Guide
Whether you are in a marriage that you know you need to get out of, or if one abusive incident has slowly escalated into a pattern of deliberate violence, it is time to consider your safety - for yourself and for your family. There are specific strategies that you can put in place to protect your safety, and to prepare a solid, strategic foundation for your divorce process.
If you have been slapped, kicked, punched, pushed, or choked, then your spouse is a very dangerous person, and you must get out of the house and the marriage as soon as possible. Others may be aware of your situation because they have seen bruises or wounds on your body, or your spouse may be deliberately hurting you in ways that enable them to avoid detection. They may be physically intimidating, shoving you or grabbing things out of your hand, or standing too close to you in a threatening manner while screaming and spitting in your face.
If you are married to someone who has been physically abusive in the past, you need to accept that filing for divorce is going to make them prone to escalating the violence. And you need to prepare for this possibility in advance. As an abuser, your spouse is capable of anything—and you already know they want to hurt you, so don’t be caught off guard. Remember who and with what you are dealing.
Ways to Avoid a Physical Attack
When your spouse is present, start to become of aware of how to increase your own personal safety in the event of an attack, such as:
Staying away from the kitchen, where there are sharp objects.
Getting to a room with a door or window that you can use if you need to escape.
Avoiding small spaces, such as closets or bathrooms, where they can corner you.
Keeping guns, knives, and other sharp objects locked away or not easily accessible.
Avoiding wearing any jewelry or clothing, such as necklaces and scarves, they can use to choke you.
Keeping your cell phone with you as much as possible. Store 911 as well as the number for the local domestic shelter (look it up now), into your automatic dial contact list so that you can make a call in an emergency.
How to Handle a Physical Attack
If your spouse attacks you, call the police immediately and make a note of the dispatcher’s name. Get the name and badge number of the officer who takes your report when the police arrive. In the meantime, if violence is unavoidable, curl up into a ball in a corner and protect your face by holding your arms up and interlacing your fingers in front of it.
Inform a neighbor of your situation and see if you can run to them the next time you need help. Or ask a trusted friend—someone your spouse doesn’t know—if you can go to their house temporarily. The individuals you ask for help will need to be willing to help. You shouldn’t wait until the next incident happens to find out that you picked the wrong person. Expect that some people won’t want to get involved.
It is a bad idea to use the home of a next-door neighbor, close family member, or mutual friend for emergency shelter, as your spouse will be able to find you there.
If you are injured, get medical help, and make sure that your injuries are well documented. You can use photographs and medical reports as legal evidence in court during your divorce and in a custody battle. Have pictures taken of your bruises or any other injuries that were inflicted on you.
Whatever else you do, remember not to leave the children alone with your spouse. Give your children instructions on how to get help the next time they become violent. If the children are old enough, make sure to teach them a code word or signal from you indicating that they should get to safety at a preplanned location, then call 911 and give your address and phone number to the police. Practice how to get out of the house safely with them.
Tell your children never to interfere in any violence between you and your spouse. Explain that they can help you by first staying safe themselves and then calling the police.
Be sure to remind your children that they are not to blame for the violence, and neither are you. Make sure they know that your spouse could become violent if they tell them of your plans to leave.
A good idea is to always back your car into the driveway and keep the driver’s door unlocked just in case you need to escape in a hurry. Make sure your car always has gas in the tank and that you keep a spare ignition key hidden inside the car in case you don’t have time to grab your key chain before leaving—or in case your spouse takes away your keys.
Precautions To Take After The Attack
Once your spouse has left home after an abusive attack, there are precautions you need to take in order to ensure you and your family’s safety, as well as ways to strategically handle and document the incident to prepare a strong foundation for your divorce process.
Change the locks on your doors and put locks on the windows. Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. If you can afford it, install a security system and a motion-sensitive lighting system around the perimeter of the building.
Continue to keep your cell phone with you always. Install a phone line in a room that you can lock from the inside.
Change to an unlisted phone number and make sure you have caller ID and the ability to block unwanted callers on your phones.
Use an answering machine to screen your calls. Have your calls screened at work by the receptionist, if possible.
Get a post office box for your mail so that your spouse cannot open and read it.
Open new accounts at a different bank, and bank in a different location than before.
Do not talk on your cell phone when you are walking to or from your car or garage at work, or anywhere else. Your spouse could sneak up behind you.
Pay close attention to your surroundings and wear a police whistle around your neck and carry a bottle of pepper spray in your purse.
Take a self-defense course.
Reschedule any regular appointments that your husband may be aware of for a different time on a different day.
Change your route to work, and take the children to school by new routes.
It will be much safer if your children change schools so that your spouse cannot kidnap them. Most kidnappers are parents. Abusers often act out of retaliation against their exes. You cannot be too careful; change schools more than once if necessary.
Even if you aren’t worried about your ex-spouse disappearing with the children, you should keep recent pictures of your children, along with records of their heights, weights, coloring, scars, and other noticeable markings. Pictures and records should be updated once a year. A good resource is the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, www.missingkids.org.
If you are worried that your spouse may kill you and you are still living in the family home, relocate immediately. Nothing is worth risking your life or the lives of your children. Do not leave without the children under any circumstances, or you may lose custody of them. Your claims of abuse may not be believed, or you may be judged for leaving your children in the care of a dangerous person. Call the police if your abuser tries to prevent you from leaving with the children, or if they try to force you to leave without them.
It may be necessary for you to change your work hours or your place of employment. Do whatever you must do.
Frequent different stores and gas stations, and join a different church.
Try not to go to lunch or dinner alone, and avoid going to familiar places by yourself at night. Darkness could give your abuser cover to sneak up on you.
Plan an escape route from home in case your spouse breaks in, and teach this route to the children.
Keep a go-bag packed with the important items in case you must leave in a hurry. It should contain cash, your driver’s license, your credit cards, your checkbooks, a list of your assets and debts, a set of clothes for you and the children, toys, court papers, your passport, birth certificates, marriage certificate, social security cards, medical records, medicines, insurance information, immunization records, welfare documents, immigration papers, and other legal documents. It is very important for you to have copies of court papers in your possession to prove to the police that your spouse is violating a court restraining order if you summon them. Put your go-bag in a very safe place or give it to a trusted friend or relative to hold for you.
A list of important phone numbers such as friends, relatives, doctors, and schools will also be needed. You should also collect information on resources now, including your local battered women’s shelter, before you need them.
When you leave, if you have time to grab jewelry, pictures, and other items of value, do so, but leave them behind if staying longer jeopardizes your safety or that of your children. Remember, these are just things.
Begin to keep a journal of any verbal or physical abuse, recording dates, threats, and events. Make sure that you hide it well from your spouse.
Be sure always to keep any court orders and emergency phone numbers with you.
For free resources to help you leave your husband safely and strategically, please visit our resources hub. Plan, prepare, and protect yourself and your children.
The content of this article first appeared in Breaking Bonds: How to Divorce an Abuser and Heal—A Survival Guide, available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and anywhere that sells books.
Rosemary Lombardy is a financial advisor with over 35 years of experience, and the founder of Breaking Bonds, a comprehensive resource platform for abused women. Although her professional expertise is in financial matters, her perspective on marital abuse, divorce, and recovery is deeply heartfelt and holistic. She draws on decades of personal experience, as well as the experiences of others, to help inform abused spouses so that they will become empowered to leave their abusers and begin to heal.
Rosemary Lombardy's award-winning new book, Breaking Bonds: How to Divorce an Abuser and Heal - A Survival Guide is available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and anywhere that sells books.
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